My heart is heavy - heavy with worry. Worrying about things I can’t control. Worrying about things that won’t be resolved in my mind or heart for a good six months. I suppose this could make me slightly crazy if I let it, but instead, I just let myself go through these bouts of worry and let Keith convince me it’s all okay. :-) Glass half empty works well with glass half full.
So what am I worried about? Nathan. I’m worried that he always looks so sad in the pictures. He looks like the weight of the world is on his shoulders. Who has a chocolate cake in front of them and doesn’t smile? I think back to when we first met Andrew and he didn’t smile at all. He was so darn serious and sad looking.
BUT, the big difference was, we were there. We could see him, we could see his eyes change as he wanted to smile a bit, but still had his guard up. We could see the scared look in his eyes and we could love on him. With Nathan, we have pictures but we can’t make his eyes light up or let him know it’s going to be okay. That just plain old sucks.
I found myself pulling up all of Nathan’s records the other night. Keith was traveling, Andrew was fast asleep next to me so I was left with my own thoughts. I wanted to check (again) to make sure there was nothing I missed on his medical. I’m not sure what I was looking for. “Hates that he has to share the caregivers with a bazillion other kids.”?!?! “Doesn’t like to smile.”?!?! Whatever it was, I couldn’t find. He was on target developmentally based on what I read, he was described as “active” and “energetic” and (drumroll please…) “has a ready smile”.
(Nathan, 2011, I think)
I asked Keith the next day if he thought Nathan was okay because he always looks sad. His answer – “He probably is sad but as soon as he’s with us, he’ll be fine, just like Andrew was.” How is it that a husband can make things that are so complicated seem so simple?? I’m still worried, but know that we can handle whatever is thrown our way and if our little guy needs to grieve then he can grieve with us, his mom and dad.
I thought having pictures and updates was going to make this an “easier” adoption than Andrew’s but I really think that not “meeting” him has made it hard because we have no personality to associate to the pictures we obsess over. I wish I knew someone going to Nathan’s orphanage that could see him for me and let me know he’s okay, but instead I’ll just be counting down the days months until we head to pick him up.
Going to go enjoy this beautiful weekend. Hope you all are doing the same!
Becky
4 comments:
(((Becky))) I "hear" it in your blog post. Chris and I are so similar. He is always half full and I am typically half empty. Keith is right though. I am so glad that Andrew was older when you got him, because you can see the change in him. Nathan just needs to get home to you guys, so that you can shower him with love. I wish I could fast forward to when he and Andrew are best buds, tubing on the lake and getting into all kinds of fun trouble together. Praying it's soon! ~Jackie
i did NOT see Aidan smile until I was with him in person. And then on trip #2 it was furtive at best until the last day. Aidan is fine. Don't you worry! God will see you through this. And just in case, I'll be praying too. God bless!
I completely understand! We have gotten so many updates on our Sprout through this adoption and she has looked so scared and sad in every single one. Our last update before we travel was the first picture we had of her smiling. It was such a relief to know that she can show happiness and isn't totally shut down (as I sometimes feared). I always thought that the two-trip system in Russia was such a pain but now looking back on it, I think it was so helpful for us to actually meet and interact with the children and vice-versa, as opposed to showing up in a foreign country and being handed your new child forever. As much as I'm looking forward to meeting our Sprout (in 9 days!!!), my heart is heavy knowing how scared our poor girl is going to be. Adoption is hard. Prayers and hugs to you!
The great thing is that you have Keith there to bring you back to the positive. It's good to have a balance.
I know this, from walking this road with hundreds of families, that if you are smart enough to be thinking it through on the front end, then you'll manage it fine. It's the people who don't worry that always worry me.
You could do a little attachment reading to brush up if you need something to busy your time. You know my favorite is Attaching in Adoption. :)
Love you girl!
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