We can request to visit Nathan’s orphanage. The SWI (Social Welfare Institute) has to approve our visit, but from what I understand they are usually pretty open to having guests. I’m hesitant to do this though.
You see, when we adopted Andrew, we had a chance to get to “know” him before we took him out of his home, away from his caregivers and friends. He was comfortable enough to go with us and not cry. He was actually quite excited about riding in a machina and seeing autobuses. Every time I remember that day, it makes me smile because it was a really, really good day.
Nathan’s departure from the familiar is much, much difference. We won’t have a chance to know him before he’s given to us. His nanny/caregiver will bring him from his orphanage on a two hour ride to the Civil Affairs office in Guangzhou (pronounced Guang-Joe). We will be waiting in a large room with other moms and dads that are waiting for their child. The caregiver will come in, hand Nathan to us, we’ll sign some papers and Voila! Instant parent, just add water.
The poor child. I can’t even image what will be going through his head. Leaving the orphanage for the first time, the sensory experience on the two hour ride there and then being handed to some strange, funny looking people who speak a totally different language that just want to love on him. So, glass half empty, I’m assuming he’s going to be freaked out and rightly so.
The orphanage visit wouldn’t be until later that week. I’m trying to put myself in his shoes and I think that if I was put back in a car to ride 2 hours to the orphanage with these people that I’m (hopefully) starting to warm up to would really freak me out. I would think that I was going back there. Maybe it would make him happy, but what about when he realizes it’s just a visit and he’s stuck with us? For a 3 1/2 year old, that has got to be torture, wouldn’t you think?
Keith and I talked about it the other night and while it’s important for me to know where Nathan came from, it’s even more important for him to be happy and bond with us. We discussed one of us going to the orphanage and leaving Nathan with the other, but I’m just not sure that we want to do that either. We talked a bit more about returning to Russia and China when Andrew is 14 and Nathan is 11 for a heritage tour. At that point, we could visit their orphanages and towns they lived in.
What do you think? Are we missing out on an opportunity? If you were 3 1/2 would you want to return to the place you just left?
Next up: Confirmed travel dates on Monday, we hope! Woohoo!
Becky
8 comments:
Wow that's a tough one, I'll be praying for you on that decision. We, too, are planning on our second adoption and it is very exciting! With our son we only received two very very short paragraphs. It bothers me because I know at some point he is going to ask lots of questions that while a lot of adoptive parents could answer, we will have no answer. Some day your boys are going to be talking and while they will have different journeys I'm sure they will want to know everything. I think you have an opportunity to learn more and take pics and meet the women he has been with for the past 3 1/2 years and answer some of thos questions for him one day, questions that will probably arrise before his return at 11. And by then, how many of the same women will be there, how much will the place have changed? I say take the opportunity, even if just one of you go, go see and explore the only other place he has called home so that you can tell both of your boys that part of their story one day. And it might be totally emotionally draining and hard, especially if you take him with you but it is just one day. One that he will likely not remember in years to come anyways and while you may feel it sets you a few steps back in those first days, it could put you leaps ahead in years to come when he is wanting to learn more about himself.
That is a tough decision. Personally, I would not take him back to the orphanage once you have him. If one of you do go then that person could take lots of photos for the questions that will come up in the future. Liam likes looking at the pictures we took at the orphanage but it may be just because he is in them. It's a tough call but whichever way you decide the end result is that he has his new family that loves him and that's all that matters. So happy for your family!
Totally did it with Peyton and we are planning to do it with Caden.
Peyton was fostered and it was so awful when she saw the foster mother .We truly felt like we had kidnapped her. But our attachment therapist said it was such a great thing to do. It truly allows closure.
You have done the orphanage trip before. But this one is different. Our time in Russia was definitely a honeymoon period with Ava.we definitely did not have any grieving. With the foster child you can bet you will have grieving but with the orphanage child you might and you might not.
But either way you will what to see and know so much about where he lived for the first few years of his life. Sometimes these children have a birth note / or a special item left with them and the orphanage has that. Be sure to ask.
With Caden we are making the long trip to orphanage and also to his finding spot. This is part of their history that our Russian babies came home with our China babies did not.
So excited that you are moving right along!!!!!!
Nicole
Wow -- very hard call. Is there any way that you can get pictures of the orphanage without having to take him back there? If it were me, I'd want to be able to see where he came from -- and show him when he gets older without all the trauma.
One of the families I know that adopted from the same region as Tatiana told me a story that broke my heart. They had taken their son (also about 3 1/2 at the time) to the medical clearance appt). It was getting late in the day, so their coordinator arranged to have someone else take them back to the hotel when they were done. This person had a van almost exactly like the one that apparently the baby home their son came from had. As soon as the little guy saw the van he FREAKED, bawling and promising to be "good". He was so upset and they couldn't calm him not knowing what was going on (he was speaking Russian). The coordinator came back over and figured it out from what he was saying... he thought they were sending him back to the baby home. :(
My first gut reaction...don't go unless only 1 of you goes and without your son. After being taken from there, going on a long trip to a strange place, and being placed with some new people, I think it will be difficult for him to go back to the orphanage. It's not something I would do. But it would be a great experience and a good opportunity to meet some of the people and see the place that he came from. Can only one of you go or at the least can someone bring you pictures from there? It's a tough decision.
Melissa
We went on the orphanage visit and I would highly recommend you going. I think the pictures and video you are able to capture is priceless. If you do not wish to take Nathan, would you consider you or Keith going alone? I think you will want the pictures and videos of the staff, his crib, his play area, etc. And, you will have these pictures for Andrew, so you will want these for Nathan too.
Nathan is older than our son at the time of adoption, so it makes taking him a different scenario. I know you do not want to put him through another separation, so I understand your worries. I just thought one of you traveling without Nathan might be an option.
Do you have travel dates? I need to read your previous posts!!
Thinking of you!!
I will possibly be in your shoes at some point. We adopted our son from Russia 2 years ago and we truly had time to bond with him and the staff at the babyhome over a 2 week period. We still maintain email contact with them. I have a lot of stories to share with him because of meeting these wonderful women who cared for. Him until we adopted him at three. I hope that we get the chance to visit our daughters home together so we can thank everyone for caring for her and let them meet the family she will be a part of
I have no experience in this at all, but wanted to throw in my opinion. Go. Nathan can say goodbye to all his friends and caregivers and have a little closure. Plus you might get some stories and pictures that you otherwise would not have the opportunity to get. It will definitely be hard, but the whole thing is hard. I think it is a way for you to say thank you to the orphanage staff for taking such good care of your little guy.
Whatever you decide will be right for your family.
Best wishes!
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