Before I get into our weekend, I want to talk a little bit about the struggles we've had and things we know we're going to be dealing with down the road. Andrew has done great so far considering the fact we've ripped him out of his 3rd home in 3 years. He handles most everything with ease but gets over stimulated we think. It's hard to figure out toddler behavior vs. over stimulation because they both seem to be about the same. He knows who mama and papa are, but he also calls other people "mom", which makes me upset BUT it brings me back down to reality. I know I need to keep his world small when we get home so he can learn that I am the one and only mom and I'll be the one to kiss his "boo-boo-ahhhs" (that's Russian for boo-boo, I guess), feed him, change him and meet his every need. It's so important for Keith and I to be the ones to do that because he's had so many people take care of him that I'm sure he gets confused. We have to remember that he had a "mama and papa" for 5 months with his foster family and they let him go so deep down inside he might be waiting for the same. Yes, he's three and he doesn't think like that, but emotionally he has to be scarred.
Heather, who I had the pleasure of meeting while she, Jason and their new little guy Zachary were here, has an awesome post about the difference between bonding and attaching. She also talks a lot about the behind the scenes that friends and family don't see... commonly referred to as the meltdowns. We have no idea what life will be like when we get home but we do know we'll be starting over again. Everything we've built up this past week will have to be taught all over again in a new house with a new big brother and all of the animals. I'm scared to death of it. Like Ondrea, I'm ready for the transition to be over (and our's hasn't even started!). This whole thing is hard. Yes, we've worked hard for this for a year and 4 months and I would do NOTHING differently, but it's not all sunshine and roses. While you love this little guy (or girl), there is a part of you that is downright exhausted and wonders "holy cow - what have I gotten myself in to!". On the flip side, there are moments like tonight where Andrew was on the swing and started yelling "Kiss! Kiss!" and Keith stopped the swing and gave him a kiss. Then he said "Seeba Papa!" (Thank you Papa!) Andrew starting swinging again and yelled "Mama!! Kiss! Kiss!" and we kissed. The big grin on his face afterwards just restored the lost energy, washed away the frustration from the last tantrum and gave us the "umpfh" to keep on truckin'. And then there was the time tonight when I laid him down to sleep and he was playing with his blankets. I was ready for him to sleep, more than ready and I told him to go night night. He got quiet and then started twisting the sheet and talking to himself. Once the annoyance subsided, I realized that this poor little guy has self-soothed himself (similar to rocking you read a lot about) each night for almost 3 years and here I am, his mom, and I'm letting him doing it again and am watching his poor eyes get crossed as he does it. I came out and got Keith (my back is killing me) and Keith came in and rocked him to sleep. Another ah-ha moment that made me sit and THINK about why he does certain things that aren't just typical toddler behavior.
I have no idea what my bottom line is and where I'm going with this. I've always talked about telling it like it is and so I guess I'm trying to tell those of you that haven't been through it the things going through my head these beginning days. They are the best days of my life and I'm learning so much about this little person (who didn't cry at bedtime tonight by the way! YEEHAW!).
Okay - enough seriousness! How about some pictures? On Saturday Ron and Dinia took us to the market and we finished up souvenir shopping, we went to the park and fed the birds and then had a nice dinner at TGIF. Today, Andrew woke up on the wrong side of the bed so he was back down for a nap at about 9:00 and boy was he out. He woke up at about 11:30 and was a totally different kid! We took him to the park again and then I went and met Lea for some nice girl's down time. She and I had some water and dessert while Keith and Andrew went to a few different playgrounds. After that we came home and had a snack and then headed to Red Square for family pictures with Lea, John and Niko. We took pictures, hung out by the fountain (which Andrew LOVED), had dinner on a blanket outside Red Square, had ice cream and then headed home.
Paka!
Becky
12 comments:
HI there, I have been following your blog for a while and its great. My husband and I are still waiting on our travel dates to go to Russia, in the meantime we have been reading a great book called" Parenting your internationally adopted child from the first hours together through the teen years", by Patty Cogen. We bought 2 copies so we could read it together. It is a wonderful book and talks about everything! Things you guys are dealing with now and will deal with along the way. Hang in there you will be home soon. I just thought I would share this information with you about the book, I think every parent who adopts internationally should have this book. Look forward to contining reading your blog.
Becky,
You are absolutely right about the meltdowns. Oh boy, did we have our share and Sergei was 9 when we adopted him. We had to build up the trust he never had - it takes time and it is earned. When we would get frustrated, we would have to remind ourselves of that fact. I will tell you that it was very difficult for the first 6 months. The judge asked us about it last week when we adopted JR and we were honest about it. I think she expected us to say how 'easy' it was. I think she appreciated our honesty. We know we will go through the same thing when JR comes home.
I feel for you and I appreciate you telling the reality of adoption. bonding, and attachment. Like you said, it is NOT all roses but Andrew will know that you will love him no matter what. It will build his confidence and trust in you and Keith.
I wish you safe travels next week! I know how much you want to get home.
Myra
You guys can do it, meltdowns, love, discipiline, training, stability, and everything else that goes with parenting. Andrew is one lucky boy. Make memories, good ones for him this week. Know people all over world are rooting for you.
4 Days Left and COUNTING!! I know you guys are so homesick. I commend you for being gone for so long. Luckily, GA is still here and hasn't changed much since you have been gone :-)
Hope all three of you got some well needed rest this weekend and see you soon!
P.S. That tank top looks good on you! Better than it did on me, so it is yours, sista!
Love you all,
me
Hi Becky, I love the slideshow - You all look so great! You guys are already doing so well with Andrew - You are naturals! People keep giving me books about babies/toddlers and I read bits and pieces of them, but most people say you will just learn as you go along. I believe that and everything will just come together once you are finally home in a normal routine. I know I have said it before, but he is just sooooo cute!!! You are probably so ready to finally get home, but enjoy the rest of your trip! Teresa
Becky - love this post. Thanks for keepin' it real! We've had our share of struggles and with your, Ondrea's & Heather's honesty thankfully other family's will know that they're "normal" with their struggles.
Wow...4 days! I can't wait to hear you guys are finally back home. Enjoy these last few days.
Hugs,
Karyn
Hey Becky,
Keeping up with the excitement over there and so glad that everything went so smoothly. I am letting you know that I can completely understand the frustration of "the terrible two's". Even when the child grows in your body and contains your own genetic material, it is so hard to deal with the one minute smiling, loving child, and the next the head spinning, hair pulling, screaming one. Jensen would throw himself down in front of the door to any store that I wanted or needed to go in. He would fight me, pull my hair, and kick and scream until one of us gave up crying (usually me). I would come home exhausted, in tears and without whatever I left the house for in the first place. And then the spawn of Satan ( I say that lovingly) would fall asleep and look like a perfect little angel. My mother-in-law would say," that a child without a temper wouldn't amount to anything and that he was going to be a strong, successful man one day". I used to say "if he makes it to three that is, he might amount to something". All joking aside, with a child that has had such a rough time, the need to bond and the urge to give him everthing that he wants, because you've wanted this for so long. It is going to take time and lots.... of patience. Don't beat yourself up or overthink it. You will figure it all out and you have lot's of freinds with plenty of good,tried and true advice to give. For the record, on Jensen's third birthday, I made a cake for me and Jason to celebrate. Jensen is almost ten now and is everthing that determination and strong will can make you. He amazes me and everyone else that knows him, the way he works and takes so much pride in any job you give him. Your Andrew has had to hold his own and knows how to fight for what he wants. Once you are home and he has the security and the
stability that he needs, he will settle in and you will figure it all out from there. Until then, ignore the looks, don't get rattled, and remember that this passes. Safe travels.
Pakka, (is that right?)
Scrappin Amy.
Great pics! Looks like a wonderful day!! Thanks for "telling it like it is" - and please continue to do so. As a "still waiting", I am definitely paying attention! :)
hi, i'm a lurker but wanted to come out to say how very happy i am that andrew finally has a forever family!
we brought home two toddlers one year ago this month. the first few months are a blur. my best advice is to sleep when he sleeps. my 2nd best advice is to follow-thru with what you've learned about cocooning and keeping his world small. the pay-off is HUGE and so worth it.
i just kept reminding myself that this is just a little chapter of my life where i am home-bound, but my girls will be healthy & happy children as a result.
you WILL get used to it - the routine, and just being home so much. and andrew will thrive.
again, congratulations!
You may have to re-teach Andrew somethings when you get home, but everything will be much easier when you are in your house, and with your things. Living with a newly adopted toddler on the road is the hardest thing. So things will get easier with time. Your love and attention will ease those meltdowns, and things will improve. Our girls have been home 7 months, and they have grown so much - mentally, emotionally and physically. It is so rewarding. Adoption is such a blessing.
Have a good trip home!
Hey lady! I've been reading, but have been here, there & everywhere...so haven't commented very much! Oh honey, I remember those first days (amazing that it was almost a year ago) and I remember the feeling of wanting the transition to be overwith. It takes time, but in a year, you'll look back and see just how far you've come! You think you know, but let me tell you, it will surprise you, even though you know that everything will be different in a year!
Anyway, rambling here (what I do best, it seems).
One thing I kept telling myself, while we were still in Russia. LeeAnn at the IAC was once quoted as having said, "Parenting while in-country is sort of like combat parenting. You do what you can do to survive...and when you get home, the real parenting starts!" I think those are pretty accurate words.
BTW, I got your comment about y'all coming to B'ham the first part of August. Just let me know when you are coming and we will definitely try to get together!! Exciting!
The pictures are great (how could they NOT be?) but I appreciate the "seriousness". Thanks for letting us in to see. ;>
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